Hmmm…

Well, a lot of my readers have been on me to post for quite some time now. And a lot of what has been happening in my life lately, I cannot really put into words. At least words of my own. I will let a quote by one of my favorite authors, C.S. Lewis sum it up. (Thanks Terry for posting this as your status on facebook)!

“There is someone I love, even though I don’t approve of what he does. There is someone I accept, though some of his thoughts and actions revolt me. There is someone I forgive, though he hurts the people I love the most. That person is me.” – C.S. Lewis

This quote reminds me quite a bit of what Paul wrote when he said in his letter to the Roman church – For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. – Romans 7:15 NKJV

This has been what I have been feeling a lot lately. Not knowing how to deal with intense grief in a way that lets in those I love, rather than alienates them. I don’t want to push you away, yet I have.

Being offended, and letting pride swell up in me, this is not what I want to do, and yet I do it. These actions, and these thoughts, repulse me. Why can’t I just love you?

I know I have so much I need to work on in this gift called life, and I thank Jesus that I am not where I need to be, but praise The Lord I am further than I was yesterday! I thank Jesus that I’ve been able to forgive myself and move on, knowing that He has delivered me, and will bring me from glory to glory.

Now that I’ve got that out, I’ve some more to blog about! So, I visited my aunt and uncle’s home in Illinois a few weekends ago for my cousin’s graduation. It was the first time I had been there since they moved there nearly 10 years ago now. Prior to that they lived in California, and I was never able to visit them there. I am so proud of my cousin, Laura! God is going to take her so far, as she trusts in him. I am so thankful that my aunt and uncle know The Lord, and that their family is striving to legitly follow The Lord! I am also very thankful that my girlfriend, Courtney, was able to go down there with me and meet more of my family, and they LOVE her!

As we were heading down there, I got some really bad news, that my “big sister” Nikki’s 16 year old son, Cody, was in a serious car accident, which he ended up passing away as a result. Praise Jesus that He knew Him! I didn’t know Cody that well, but this hit me so hard. Life is so precious, and in an instant, everything can change. What is normal, anyway? Is it this thing that we get used to in life that allows us to get through our days? It can change in a split second, and then our entire world seems so foreign. This is why we need God the Father. He never changes. He is the only constant. EVERYTHING else in life can, and probably will change.

It is true, that we must rely on God for all of our strength, and this is something that I’ve been learning quite a lot lately. But, He has also given us the concept of community and friendships to strengthen and build us up!

I am reminded of a specific portion of “We Need Each Other” by Sanctus Real that describes a lot of what has been going on in my life…

Life revolves around the need
Of having someone
Causing every complicated feeling
Oh and I don’t want to loose you
And there is nothing wrong with
Telling me what you need
To keep our love strong

It’s just a part of being a family
Taking the good with the bad and the ugly
If we could only learn to love

There are things we all need to work on, and at times, those things need addressing in our relationships with other people; but at the same time, we need to have grace for each other’s faults, and realize that we aren’t perfect, we should always strive to be, but will never achieve it on this earth. Love never fails.. but love also keeps no record of wrongs.. it is also patient. We can’t just take the never failing part, and leave the rest. We can’t hold grudges. We need to be patient with each other.

It has been a beautiful and wonderful thing to fall in love with Courtney all over again! Recently we gave ourselves a boundary that we cannot kiss on the lips.. only cheek pecks, and hands, etc. This has been a fantastic thing, as we don’t spend our time making out. We have had our moments, and our differences of opinion and thought, but one thing that has not, and will never change. I love her. With all that I know to love her with, and that can only increase!

Tomorrow (Monday), Austin takes his driver’s test.. Wow! Am I insane for letting him use my car for the test? Nah. I trust him. I sure hope he passes! Assuming he does, he’ll blow my expectations out of this universe, and I am really hoping that happens (one of the few times I want to be proven wrong) (I think he’s rushing it).

Oh! Recently, I got a new cell phone! I figured that I needed to blog about that.. because my blog tagline is Jesus.. Technology… Life. I talk about Jesus and Life a lot… but I have yet to really address the Technology side. I got the new Blackberry Bold 9650 from Verizon. I really love this phone, and its an excellent upgrade from my Alltel Curve 8330A. I hope to have my next blog post be a comprehensive review of the phone!

Well, blessings all!
– Josh

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2 thoughts on “Hmmm…

  1. You’re an even bigger nerd that I though 😉 (your last sentence).

    I love you, and you know how proud of you I am, for how much you’ve grown and realized the past few weeks. I told you that Cody’s accident and death would change us forever. Ultimately in a good way, though.

  2. You. Are. A. Nerd. (last sentence) Just throwin’ that out there. BUT I really… REALLY liked this. Like.. a lot:) And I think that you should KEEP blogging.. because I enjoy learning things from you:) I am in total agreement with everything that was said here and I have to say I feel the same way as you at times. BTW- I like the no kissing on the lips part.. DEFINITLY a good idea. So yeah.. I think I’m done now. Yup I am.
    Love and Prayers always-
    Haley:)

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